My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
You Might Also Like
President The Rock Obama
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
me when i see my girls butt
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
That’s fair
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.