@Chumpstring

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

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@THEDUTHCHESS

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

@copymama

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

@jannable9

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

@krisv_723

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

@

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@crmotwo

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

@Adyaces

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

@iresurfaced

Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.

@bengulate

My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.

@_Water_Baby

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.