@BuckyIsotope

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

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@WilliamAder

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

@Buffalojilll

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

@JasonLastname

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

@chagger73

My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.

@ArfMeasures

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

@AbbieEvansXO

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

@3sunzzz

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

@comotethomas

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.

Calm down and plan that shit first.