It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.
Calm down and plan that shit first.