*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
2022 be like
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
No way!
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*