*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
this could fix me
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
All. The. Damn. Time.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
so much to do