robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
multitasking lunch
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”