@tastefactory

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

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@JMFnSparks

The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want

@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

@Jonesy_donkey

I’m so fancy, I pronounce the “H” in “WHISKEY”

*every single one of you just said that word out loud when you read this

@anniemalistics

Husband: Why is there a Hot Pocket plugged into the charger?
Me: [looking down at the phone I’m eating]

@CtotheASS

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

@3sunzzz

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

@Jake_Vig

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

@TheTweetOfGod

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

@ginnyhogan_

Dating is so hard. Like, what does it mean when a guy doesn’t watch your Instagram stories, doesn’t like your tweets, doesn’t respond to your texts, and is dating someone else?