[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

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The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want


Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?


I’m so fancy, I pronounce the “H” in “WHISKEY”

*every single one of you just said that word out loud when you read this


Husband: Why is there a Hot Pocket plugged into the charger?
Me: [looking down at the phone I’m eating]


“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank


[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*


If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.


If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.


Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.


Dating is so hard. Like, what does it mean when a guy doesn’t watch your Instagram stories, doesn’t like your tweets, doesn’t respond to your texts, and is dating someone else?