[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
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💁🏻♂️
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.