“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Warm pools make me nervous.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23