[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
He just like my cat fr
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!