[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I’ve been learning to cook.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST