Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

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My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.


Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.


I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.


[getting a massage]

MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin

SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean


Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.


I’m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat’s hair grows back.


{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]


[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.


I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”


I just used “volumizing” shampoo for the first time….

Everything sounds the same.