@jimmytorosian

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

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@Jen_says_nah

My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.

@Ivsy01

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

@shariv67

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

@NicestHippo

[getting a massage]

MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin

SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean

@BillFienberg

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

@shkeeber

I’m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat’s hair grows back.

@ojedge

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

@ObscureGent

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

@Laser_Cat

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

@PlatinumShower

I just used “volumizing” shampoo for the first time….

Everything sounds the same.