[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.