@WritePlay

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

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@wescraw

We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.

@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@Gre_Gone

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

@Breadery

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

@Mikel_Jollett

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

@dafloydsta

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.