@WritePlay

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

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@Rlpihl

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

@david8hughes

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

@ClichedOut

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

@tastefactory

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

@samdunsiger

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

@papasuncle

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

@Darlainky

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

@LowIifee

I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100

@AnniemuMary

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.