I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
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“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.