We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
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Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?
Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.