*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair