it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game