*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
You Might Also Like
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
couldn’t resist
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.