@AbbieEvansXO

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

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@RajatSaysItAll

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

@Shenaniglenns

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

@DamonHunzeker

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

@vladyhh

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

@AimeeHelene1

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

@ChickenFrecklez

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

@TheBoydP

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

@LousyLibrarian

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

@Ygrene

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest