@AbbieEvansXO

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

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@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those

@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@CAshmanActor

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

@ArfMeasures

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

@Mom_Overboard

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

@SlabBaconBP

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

@UnFitz

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

@Darlainky

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

@GingaSnapppa

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.