[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

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“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”


Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what


I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.


don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die


The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.


Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.


I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.


Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.


[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest