[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.