@RajatSaysItAll
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
@AbbieEvansXO
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
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@RajatSaysItAll
@Shenaniglenns
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
@DamonHunzeker
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
@vladyhh
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
@EmissaryKerry
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
@AimeeHelene1
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
@ChickenFrecklez
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
@TheBoydP
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
@LousyLibrarian
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
@Ygrene
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest