[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

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Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those


Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.


me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin


ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships


I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”


If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.


Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.


Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.


This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.


If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.