[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
You Might Also Like
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
How is it still this week?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
yeet
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Planet of the Apps.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.