[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
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when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.