[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.