Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.

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Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?


Friend: *passes me her newborn baby*

Me: What is this clothed potato and why have you given it to me?


Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi


Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time


I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend


I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.


Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-



[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.