I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.
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Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
ADHD is ADD in high definition.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]