What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
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My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
😩😩😩
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
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Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.