@ComedicBust

Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.

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@9262Laura

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

@2p2TrollCat

Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.

@TheBenHoyle

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

@rasm69

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

@ThaJawn

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

@Petote

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

@ojedge

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]