Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.

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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.


Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.


I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.


I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport


I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.


Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?


*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *



MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]