@daemonic3

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

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@CulturedRuffian

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

@iGreenMonk

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.

@pilau

angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf

@AudreyPorne

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

@bartandsoul

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

@murrman5

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

@Darlainky

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

@mela_shea

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

@BlindChow

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

@petemandik

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.