[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
You Might Also Like
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday