Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
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I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.
angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine
god: murder hornets
god: murder hornets everywhere
angel: why god
god: 2020 mf
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.