“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Sounds like a bargain
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Worth remembering.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.