Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
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I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.