Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I don’t hate children, just yours.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The Assassin.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
good let them take over I have had enough
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me