Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
British websites use biscuits.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Leaving the Barbers like
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop