ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
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Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”