Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…


“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner


I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.


Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it


Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.


Roses are red.

My name is not Dave.

This poem makes no sense.



The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.