@KissabiX

Robin: I refuse to be your side chick

Batman: …sidekick

R: *hiding overnight bag*
oh, I’ll just go and get the bat-mobile ready then

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@TheMichaelRock

I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.

@jwoodham

[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.

@simoncholland

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@JohnFugelsang

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

@ramblinma

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

@Jordan_Morris

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

@thedad

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

@TheToddWilliams

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots