Robin: I refuse to be your side chick

Batman: …sidekick

R: *hiding overnight bag*
oh, I’ll just go and get the bat-mobile ready then

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I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.


[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.


My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.


Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something


My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.


Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.


Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”


Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you


[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots