Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
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CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Dishonest mechanic?
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
just left a huge legacy in there
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.