Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
this isn’t threatening at all
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.