ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
You Might Also Like
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.