@SortaBad

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

@JohnsonDiaz21

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

@jimmytorosian

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

@Cryborg2000

[calling my cousin while babysitting his kids] yo the one with the ski mask and the knife is refusing to go to bed

@Shenanigans_luv

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

@mattZillaaaa

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

@jonnysun

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack