Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂