Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
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Is….Is this an option?
Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If money can’t buy happiness, explain ice cream. You can’t.
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*