@Kyle_Lippert

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

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@withanewname

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

@PixieGreenEyes

Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?

@withanewname

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

@sixfootcandy

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

@truegritrumble

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

@fro_vo

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

@ryangriffiths

I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.