ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Everyone in the gym on January 1st