Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
This checks out
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?