Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
love it when they get my name right
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
s
oc
i
a
l
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”