Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
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My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*