@didifalldown

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

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@KalvinMacleod

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

@TheToddWilliams

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

@_davidlucas_

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

@WheelTod

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

@HyenaEars

What is the term for a group of Canadians?

Is it “an apology”?

“Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians”

@jakewhitacre

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

@SaltyCorpse

16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

@dad_on_my_feet

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

@xLiserx

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*