@didifalldown

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

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@TheGladStork

I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”

@sarafcarter

People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

@thenatewolf

BATMAN: All this crime… it’s really starting to get to me. Maybe I should take a break.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: [Thinking about how much work he had to do before Batman] That’s exactly what The Joker wants.

@drhappyknuckles

First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

@Jeffwni

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

@AsgardianRose

Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?

@Gupton68

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

@KeetPotato

cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”