I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
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People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove
BATMAN: All this crime… it’s really starting to get to me. Maybe I should take a break.
COMMISSIONER GORDON: [Thinking about how much work he had to do before Batman] That’s exactly what The Joker wants.
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”