[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
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*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
it is time once again
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.