WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash