If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
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“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.