*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.