Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
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Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
A short story about romance.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
This meal prepping shit easy
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker