What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
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“How’s the wine?”
*sips, swills, spits*
“Wow it’s got too much body.”
“Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first.”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[inventor of Grape Nuts]
what if you could eat gravel?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?