@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

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@capnwatsisname

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

@FrogAvalanche

“How’s the wine?”
“House red?”
“Yes.”
*sips, swills, spits*
“Wow it’s got too much body.”
“Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first.”

@djdarrellripley

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

@dumbbeezie

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

@brianbowman73

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

@ArfMeasures

COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment

@vonTraphaus

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

@Slims_Ramblings

I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.

@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?