[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
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I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh