[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

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“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”


*gets pulled over*

Officer: how high are u

Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u


When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.


I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.


Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?

Me: Yeah.

Cw: You would? Why?

Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.


Junk is something that you’ve kept for years & throw away 3 weeks before you need it.


The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle


“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”


Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”