Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.