Rock, paper, scissors?

-The proctologist removing items from me

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NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat


I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.


3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too


Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions
Me: *sweating*
BP: They aren’t even illegal


[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup


Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie


I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers


“You know the speed limit here, son?”
“You know how fast you were going?”
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”


Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.



RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*