Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Rock, paper, scissors?
-The proctologist removing items from me
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.