@ClamDive

Rock, paper, scissors?

-The proctologist removing items from me

You Might Also Like

@PleaseBeGneiss

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

@cynicuhl

I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.

@Smooheed

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

@JoyceCarolTotes

Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions
Me: *sweating*
BP: They aren’t even illegal

@murrman5

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

@PrisonCookies

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

@ObscureGent

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

@GrantTanaka

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

@richardmarx

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*