Rock, paper, scissors?

-The proctologist removing items from me

You Might Also Like


Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.


1) It’s not very hard


Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.


Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*


Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?


How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire


ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits


robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet


MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger


My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.