@ClamDive

Rock, paper, scissors?

-The proctologist removing items from me

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@mommajessiec

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

@dksc4life

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

@shatty48

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

@briancthayer

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

@Holy_Mowgli

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

@carlyken

How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire

@desusnice

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

@_squiggz

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

@ArfMeasures

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

@jukeboxsauce

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.