@Staggfilms

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

- @Staggfilms

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@bjcolangelo

A little girl with green hair chalk just asked me if my hair was dyed for Halloween. When I told her it was green year round she turned to her dad and screamed:

“YOU SAID GREEN HAIR WAS ILLEGAL AFTER HALLOWEEN! WHY DID YOU LIE?!”

@ManJuggs

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

@Tups13

Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?

@WheelTod

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

@qwertying

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s your emergency?

me: a man is in my house

911: who

me: idk. how would i know that

911: ask

me: ok

911:

me: he didn’t answer

911: describe him

me: he’s large

911: is he tall

me: yea

911: give him my number 🙂

me: what’s your number

911: are u serious

@seanscrap

Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.

@Donna_McCoy

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

@Marlebean

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.