Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
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not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family