*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ