Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.