If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”
The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man… I mean… Just asking.
Taco Bell manager: I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job. It’s your drug test
Me: so you mean…
Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?
Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*
Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*
Date: actually i just remembered i’m married
When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.