[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
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just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
and now we wait
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.