“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
monday
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude