Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
You Might Also Like
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Hero horse inspires millions
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??