Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me