[role playing in bed as pirates]

Me: Arggh, I want that booty.

Her: *giggling* Mmmk

Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic…

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me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running


At this point, I’m pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers


Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.


How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something


HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes


[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.


*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*


“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”


1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing