My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*